I’ve been hiding my head under the blankets.
Afraid of being myself in what feels like totally new territory. Terrified of opening myself up in front of new people and being rejected. Afraid of failing in front of people who have put me on a pedestal (a very small pedestal, more like a footstool, but high enough to create a fear of falling on my face, of letting them down, of making them rethink their opinion of me).
Confused about what exactly I should be doing and how I should be doing it.
Anxious because duh…
Guilty because I keep wavering between choices that only exist in my mind (because I haven’t pursued any of them). Guilty because sitting in no man’s land means very little money sitting in my bank account. Guilty for feeling like I’m not pulling my weight. Guilty for feeling like I am the weight.
Angry because I’ve allowed myself to become part of something that feels off, something that feels gross. Pissed off because I can’t seem to pull myself above those feelings and to shine anyway, to be the light that I know I am; to accept the shitty parts of this agreement and fashion something good instead of returning again and again to anger and resentment; wanting to be anywhere but there, instead of showing up fully for the innocent parties who are also involved.
Defiant in my refusal to let go of what I believe and who I am, even though it exhausts me. Speaking out exhausts me. Staying quiet exhausts me. Trying to navigate between the extremes exhausts me.
I’m tired of being tired. I’m tired of feeling like I can’t breathe, like there is a heavy weight sitting on my chest that won’t allow a cleansing full breath of clean air.
So, I’ve come to a sort of Rubicon.
I can stay on this side. It’s miserable, but it’s known. It’s even comfortable in that I’ve been here many times before.
I can cross. I can accept that everything above is true. It’s real. I can accept that being afraid is a part of me and I can take that part with me as I step forward and onward. I can accept that my anxiety will always follow me and that I can be brave AND anxious. I can be afraid AND pursue those choices, even if I fail in one or all of them. I can be tired AND shine.
I can show up afraid and tired. I can show up honestly, not to dump my shit on other people, not to vent or complain, but I can show up and choose to remember myself, choose to be light, choose to be present. I can show up in love, even though I’m tired, even though I’m scared. I don’t have to hide those things. I don’t have to push them away. I can bring them with me. I can allow them to be there, valid and honest parts of myself, and I can also allow the rest of me to show up too.
I don’t have to wait for my tiredness to go, for my fear to diminish. I can step forward, I can show up, I can be fully myself (whatever the hell that means) and see what happens.
Will I fall?
Maybe. Maybe not.
Will I quit feeling guilty and angry?
Maybe. Maybe not.
Will I stop being afraid?
I seriously doubt it.
What does that mean for you?
I guess you’ll have to hang on a bit longer to find out, but I’ve always got ideas brewing and I’ll let you in on them as soon as they are halfway presentable.
*** hint: would you like to have a “channel” with full length videos, updated weekly, for a tiny monthly subscription? I’m weighing the cost/benefit analysis as we speak…